Have you ever heard of the jolly video website That Guy with the Glasses? (If not, click the link and have a look. I'll wait.) Well, gasp in mock excitement as I tell you that I've joined up with them, and will be releasing future videos on both that site and YouTube. Corks!

The first cross-pollinated video will be another Terrible Old Games You've Probably Never Heard Of, because I haven't released one for 18 months. Expect it to hit the magical inter-tubes within a week.

Also! I've given another interview, this time with the fragrant Thunderbolt Games. Have a good click here and learn a bit about POP Stations and hammers.

Labels: Article, Site news

Hello! It's 2009 now and I'm closer to being dead than ever before. As a direct result I've decided to try and track down a couple of bits from old British computer magazines, before I'm not alive enough to search for them any more. Irritatingly I had all the magazines in days gone by, but was forced to dispose of them in a house move years ago.

SO! If any of you fine people happen to have any of the following please drop me a line via the e-mail link in the top-right there. (I don't need access to them physically - scans would be great.)

• The last ever issue of Amiga Action magazine (Issue 89, December 1996, Egor in Toyland on the coverdisk). Specifically I want a scan of the "Son of Boggit" adventure game help section from it, which was less a tips section and more a thinly veiled rant.
  
  
• Any issues of Public Domain magazine, an obscure Future Publishing magazine which dealt with the freeware and shareware of the time for Amiga, ST and PC. There were only ever about 12 issues produced. (I'm trying to track down an incredibly inept Atari ST demo which was reviewed in it - I can't remember the name and nobody else has any recollection of it. If I can find the review I should be able to finally track it down.)
  

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ta.

Further news! My Noseybonk appearance on the BBC's Screen Wipe is available online via the magic of YouTube. It's at the very start of the episode, but I strongly suggest you watch the whole thing as it's excellent. Cast your eyeballs here fella:



And finally the Christmas tat video I made has been online for a while, so here it is:

Labels: Article, Noseybonk, Review, Video

Just a quick note to wish a happy Christmas to anyone unfortunate enough to be visiting this site. I have produced a jolly Christmas video, but I foolishly left it until the last minute to upload so it's currently stuck in YouTube's Partner-approvement-queue thing. Hopefully it will be online shortly if you feel like wasting a small part of Christmas day watching me poke fun at some seasonal decorations.

(Incidentally, I decided against posting a write-up the Noseybonk-on-Screenwipe thing because it came across as self-aggrandising and tedious. And there's plenty enough stuff like that on the Internet already, hmm?)

Labels: Article, Site news

My quest for a digital camcorder continues to fail miserably thanks to the lads at Toshiba:

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Camileo H10 shares its innards with one of those unknown-brand low budget Chinese camcorders that you can find on Ebay. Drop me a line if you can confirm / deny that.

On a completely different subject, I was recently interviewed by UK gaming site Peoww. Point your eyes towards this webpage if you'd like to know what I watch on TV and why I thought up Liquid Filth.

Labels: Article, Review, Video

Just realised that I haven't mentioned the electro-tat auctions here!

Basically - I'm selling off some of the tat I've reviewed over the years on Ebay. First up are the KenSingTon Vii and the Gamestation - have a look at the auctions page for further info.

That is all. Resume your positions.

Labels: Article

Let's lay this blighter to rest! Quickest Game Overs Ever Part 2:



Please note that the raft of grotesque video effects were an aesthetic choice, and in no way an attempt to conceal a major flaw in the original footage...

Labels: Article, Video

You're not going to believe this, folks.

Here's some stills from last night's episode of Torchwood, the BBC sci-fi drama series and Doctor Who spin-off.


Here is an ill child hiding in a hospital toilet. Is that a Sony PSP he's playing on?


Now he's skulking through a deserted ward. But wait! The PSP screen is a familiar blue. Surely not...?


ZOMFG!!! as the kids say. It's a bloody POP Station! With the arm-throwing game we all know and fear, 'Street Fighter'.

Is this a little in-joke amongst the BBC props department? Or have things got so bad that their budget won't stretch to a PSP? We will never know.

Many thanks to eagle-eyed viewer Daniel Thomas who sent me the heads-up for this.

Labels: Article, Photo

I recently bought a board game based on the popular-yet-ancient UK gameshow Catchphrase from a charity shop. It cost £1.49 and looks like this:



I'm not entirely sure what I expected to see when I opened the box, but I am sure it wasn't this:



Now call me Captain Overly-Sensitive, but one thing I don't want to see in a family board game is a burning cross. I've blurred out the answer so you can have a jolly time guessing which catchphrase it's supposed to represent. That art in full:



What is it? Mississippi Burning? Just remember Roy Walker's original advice and say what you see...

The answer is "Crossfire".

Was there no quality control at Paul Lamond Games? Did nobody think that an image of a burning crucifix is not the best thing to include in a family board game? What's next, Mr. Chips wearing a white hood?

Whilst posting this I noticed the other catchphrase in the photo, "Corn on the Cob". The clue features the words "corn" and "cob" written out. Setting the difficulty level a bit low there, I feel.

In the unlikely event you're curious about the game itself: It's terrible, tedious and fiddly due to poor design. One person has to leave the room and spend several minutes setting things up before each round, and a round often lasts about 2 minutes. Crap.

Labels: Article, Photo

There's been a lot of talk recently about the worst box art ever inflicted on the video game buying public. But nobody seems to be aware of what must surely be the actual, no kidding, flat-out worst image to ever have been slapped on a cardboard box.

It is Metrocross for the Atari ST.



Some random idiot dressed in spandex, pulling the most gormless face humanly possible, leaping out of a damaged chessboard. The little silhouette of a prancing man is just the icing on the cake. I've heard this described as the "world's crappest image", a description which bears some merit.

Other home versions of Metrocross featured a futuristic illustration far more relevant to the game than idiot-boy and his skateboard. Why did the Atari ST warrant the creation of this visual abomination? There is no excuse for the existence of this image, and the retarded work experience boy who made it should be hunted down and terminated with extreme prejudice.

The game was pretty good, by the way.

As a sort of runner-up, here's a picture of Anirog Software's Kong game for the ZX Spectrum.



Hooray!

EDIT: I've been advised to "Digg" this post, by submitting it to the Digg website and writing "Digg" in inverted commas a lot. So I have. I'll put up one of those nice little counting buttons when I have time to figure out how.

Labels: Article, Photo

Using my brain and hands, I've made a new website!



It's dedicated to trailers of really strange films from the seventies. And sixties. And sometimes the early eighties.

Also: An upgrade at Blogger has fudged up the website design. I'm on it.

Labels: Article, Site news, Video

Bobby Crosby from poker comic +EV conducted a short interview with me. I somehow managed to come second in the weekly +EV tournament, despite being obviously rubbish. A permanent link to the interview can be found here.

I won 33 American Devaluation Tokens (or "dollars"), which is about £17 in actual money. Now to get me some shoes!

Labels: Article

I recently went to a collector's fair. One of the stalls had a big box of greetings cards, all with painted scenes from the 1940's. My girlfriend looked through them to find one with aeroplanes on for my Dad's upcoming birthday. What did she find instead?

THE WORST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER MADE. Behold:




Yes, It's supposed to be a Bobby comforting a small child. But that isn't what it looks like, is it? How did this leave the factory without anybody saying, "Hang on, that looks a bit like OH GOD NO"?

And yes, it does say "Happy Birthday" inside. Giving this to someone would guarantee that they'd have a very bad birthday indeed, mostly spent washing their eyes.

Here's the back of it, just to prove I'm not making this up:



It's available as a print, apparently. Sell many prints of this, Rothbury Cards...? Didn't think so.

I feel a bit ill now.

Quick site news thing: Yes, I am aware that all the Youtube links have gone blank again. No, I don't know why. Yes, they'll come back of their own accord in a day or so.

Labels: Article, Photo, Site news

There is currently an exhibition at the London Science Museum called "Game On". It's about video games.

I went to see it the other week. Have a gander at my photo report thing here. It's on a website that technically doesn't exist yet, so you can feel extra special!

Mind Numbing Site News: I've changed the Amazon box on the right of the page over to less ugly Google ads.

Labels: Article, Site news

I recently worked for a local council, which has an online "Marketplace" system where employees can buy and sell items privately. You know the sort of thing - an intranet noticeboard where you can advertise your old lawnmower for £25, and discover that someone is collecting old jam jars for charity.

Now, as in any office environment, one of the ways to alleviate the soul-crushing tedium that consumes you is to check the Marketplace every five minutes. Sadly, it was very rare that anything interesting was posted - usually it was just a woman saying 'If anyone needs a plasterer I know a good one!' in order to provide free advertising for some relative or other. But occasionally, an obscure item for some kind of niche hobby would come up. This would give you a full 15 seconds of wondering what the item was for before realising it's a car part.

I began to wonder if I could invent some kind of ridiculous technical-sounding device and convince people it was real, by offering it for sale on the Marketplace. Because if someone's selling it and there's a photograph it must be true, right? So at 9:24am on 11 May 2006 I posted the following advertisement:

---

For Sale:

Set of 4 Aeylind GL3 cabrinators. These are good quality, third series cabrination units with reinforced lode housings. They are in excellent condition - There is some heat discolouration on the rear units, but otherwise they are flawless. A spare crosslink protector is included.

They are currently tuned asynchronously but can easily be recalibrated if needed.

Am looking for a quick sale in order to upgrade to 5th series, hence low price of £200 ono.

Please note that these are NOT the XC models with onboard hetrodynes. I will not split the set so please don't ask!

---

Now, the more observant among you may realise that there is no such company as Aeylind, and I completely invented the verb "cabrinate". The items in the photo are actually joysticks from an arcade machine (similar to this), turned so the bottom plates are facing the camera. I only have two, so I had to merge two pictures together.

At 10:07am the first e-mail arrived from a Martin B:

What are these? I googled them, but nothing came back.

Of course nothing came back, Martin - it's all a load of wrong-headed bollocks. From this point on I had to abide by the rules of Gentleman's Wind-Up Etiquette:

1. All enquries must be answered. You must provide more detail than is actually asked for, and the information must become increasingly ridiculous with each successive response.
   
2. All responses must be ad-libbed. Repetition is allowed if you encounter the same enquiry more than once.
3. If anyone questions the veracity of your claims, you must immediately admit that you are attempting to fool them with lies.

So I responded with the following:

Hello Martin

They're used to regulate field distortion when detecting (and gauging the properties of) airborne Halen particles. You could actually get away with only using two of them, but a set of four provides much more stable readings as they can run at a lower temperature.

Cheers

Stuart.

This seemed to keep him happy. I named Halen particles after rock star Eddie Van Halen.

At around 10:30am the phone calls started. 'Hi mate, those cabrinators you've got on the Marketplace - what are they for?' I simply quoted the above, and nobody questioned it. I took about four calls and received three more basic e-mail enquiries before midday.

As 12:00pm approached I thought I should reach out to the silent majority who had spotted the advert, but dared not enquire. I decided to answer some questions that hadn't been asked, in order to further confuse the situation. At 11:58pm I reposted the advert with the follwoing addition:

---

Further information answering questions asked so far:

They have been used for approx. 150 run cycles.

The bearings are totem-class with large bore slipthrough, as with all series 3 units.

They have a maximum load capacity of 17 qp/h with a minimum throughput ratio of 6.

They have the newer "Nelson" style connectors which should fit all housings made after 2003. Adaptors for the older style "Hodgson" fittings are not included.

---

qp/h stands for Quarter Pounders per Hour. In mainland Europe, it is known as rc/h - Royales with Cheese per Hour.

The lunch hour produced a new bevy of calls and e-mails. Everybody seemed happy with the Halen particle explanation - well, either that or they didn't like to question it. However at 12:53pm the original enquirer, Martin B, e-mailed again to ask:

your ad is a wine up, isn't it?

Ah - the first person to catch on, assuming he meant "wind up". In accordance with rule three of the Gentleman's Wind Up Etiquette, I had to respond with:

Oh, absolutely.

Martin B was the only person to register incredulity, and earns the title of Lord High Crapbuster as a result. I decided to post a final listing on the Marketplace:

---

The set of Aeylind cabrinators has now sold.

Many thanks to everyone who expressed an interest.

---

But it didn't end there. The calls dried up around 2pm, but the e-mails kept coming. One of my favourites came from a social worker:

You've got our office scratching heads big time......
just what do cabrinators do????

That made me very happy for two reasons - I love the image of a whole office crowding round a monitor trying to determine the properties of fictional items, and I own shares in a company that makes scalp cream. However, I did worry that the writer didn't specify whose heads were being scratched.

Cabrinator enquiries continued the next day. At 1:09pm on 12 May a lady called Teresa B asked:

I know you have sold your cabrinators and I'm not after any, - its just that there are four of us in this office and we wondered if you could tell us what they are actually for please? - the description sounds fascinating but none of us could work out what on earth they do and we will be thinking about it all weekend if we don't find out!

Hope you can help :))

What a nice lady - of course I can help. I sent her the standard response about Halen particles and field distortion, but Teresa wasn't easily waylaid by my stupid falsehoods:

Thanks for that Stuart - unfortunately that has led to a couple more questions:

1) What are Halen particles

2) Why do they need to be measured

Sorry!!!

Elaboration was needed, as was industrial strength bullshit. My response:

Halen particles are a by-product of all the different sorts of wireless communication methods knocking about these days - mobile phones, wireless internet, crexen, bluetooth etc. Sometimes, when their signals converge, they form Halen particles, which can disrupt reception.

If a wireless internet connection stops working or mobile phone reception is poor in a certain part of a building, you can try detecting the flow of Halens and moving equipment out of the way.

Also, some people believe that absorbing too many Halen particles can give you headaches, although there's no proof of that.

Bad science? WORST SCIENCE. I particularly like the word "Crexen". This was enough for Teresa, who went away confused but happy.

I received a couple more e-mails, then that was it. I feel this endeavour proved the following points:

1. People will believe anything, no matter how ridiculous, as long as you sound authoritative and put in some practical details.
2. People in offices are so bored that they'll follow up any old crap they see advertised in a vain effort to inject some interest into their day.
3. Most people are stupid, but not quite as stupid as me.

Labels: Article