22 June 2009
Turn on, tune in, rip off
Radios that look a bit like iPods? I'll bet they're not very good.
See? I was right.
See? I was right.
16 June 2009
Sexy Eskimos and crab apples
Unbelievably, I was actually sent some free products to review by a company! I'll bet nobody makes that mistake again.
Apologies for low-video-quality-ness. I foolishly used a higher quality upload format, which YouTube predictably choked on. I've been spoiled by uploading stuff to Blip.
Apologies for low-video-quality-ness. I foolishly used a higher quality upload format, which YouTube predictably choked on. I've been spoiled by uploading stuff to Blip.
08 May 2009
A charitable offering
POP Station Watch 4 is upon us already, like a great cloud full of irritating beepy music. Only the stupid sketch at the end can save us!
Also a quick recommendation - some independent games reviewers have come together under the banner of Renegade Reviewers, and released a rather nice DVD. It features two hours of exclusive review-o-action and contributors include splendid people such as Guru Larry, Wez and the Gaming Goose. Not only is it a lot of fun but it helps support reviewers who are untouched by the influence of games publishers. It may also convince you not to buy Lord of the Rings Conquest, and is therefore invaluable.
Actually, speaking of banners, here's one for the DVD which lists all the contributors:
Also a quick recommendation - some independent games reviewers have come together under the banner of Renegade Reviewers, and released a rather nice DVD. It features two hours of exclusive review-o-action and contributors include splendid people such as Guru Larry, Wez and the Gaming Goose. Not only is it a lot of fun but it helps support reviewers who are untouched by the influence of games publishers. It may also convince you not to buy Lord of the Rings Conquest, and is therefore invaluable.
Actually, speaking of banners, here's one for the DVD which lists all the contributors:
31 March 2009
Keep things hopping
Authentic looking fake DS plays vaguely authentic Frogger. Film at eleven. If by 'eleven you mean 'here':
On a totally irrelevant note, I've been getting quite into Goozex since it started up in Europe. It sounds a bit like txtspk for 'goose eggs' but is actually a game-swapping service. Effectively you can get rid of games you don't want and get one you do for a single € and the cost of sending a large letter. (Plus they give you a free trade credit and 100 points for signing up, which means you can get something like Resident Evil 4 for Gamecube completely free without even sending anything to anyone. Like I did.) It also uses a clever feedback system which guarantees that no evil swine can rip you off.
I've mostly been using it to rebuild my Gamecube collection but they cover a whole host of formats - even Dreamcast and Mac. It does need some new blood to take off properly, though, so if you fancy some swapping larks (or just a free game) click yourself over to Goozex and sign thyself up.
(Incidentally, that's a referral link which gives me a free trade or something if you sign up and keep using the service. If you'd prefer not to do that because you hate my guts or something, use the basic link here.)
On a totally irrelevant note, I've been getting quite into Goozex since it started up in Europe. It sounds a bit like txtspk for 'goose eggs' but is actually a game-swapping service. Effectively you can get rid of games you don't want and get one you do for a single € and the cost of sending a large letter. (Plus they give you a free trade credit and 100 points for signing up, which means you can get something like Resident Evil 4 for Gamecube completely free without even sending anything to anyone. Like I did.) It also uses a clever feedback system which guarantees that no evil swine can rip you off.
I've mostly been using it to rebuild my Gamecube collection but they cover a whole host of formats - even Dreamcast and Mac. It does need some new blood to take off properly, though, so if you fancy some swapping larks (or just a free game) click yourself over to Goozex and sign thyself up.
(Incidentally, that's a referral link which gives me a free trade or something if you sign up and keep using the service. If you'd prefer not to do that because you hate my guts or something, use the basic link here.)
26 February 2009
POP Station Watch 3: Season of the Netbook
A POP Station with a 7 inch screen? It never ends! (Until the POP Station factories are killed off by the global recession.)
I realised why this video (and the last one) show up in low quality on YouTube. It's because I used the wrong program to encode them, and didn't realise. Bugger and arse.
I realised why this video (and the last one) show up in low quality on YouTube. It's because I used the wrong program to encode them, and didn't realise. Bugger and arse.
04 February 2009
Fail to the King
Game King! Its name reverberates like the clang of a particularly damp bell. And it's inspired two separate videos. Such as this one:
And also this one:
The second video uses the first piece of music I've ever officially licensed. It cost me nearly £6 so expect to hear it on everything I do from now on. I plan to get my money's worth!
(Incidentally, I spent a lot of time making the dramatic scrolling text look cheap - adding motion glitches, rendering it from a different angle each time etc. And the ultimate effect is almost completely unnoticeable. Should have just put an 'old film' filter on and been done with it.)
And also this one:
The second video uses the first piece of music I've ever officially licensed. It cost me nearly £6 so expect to hear it on everything I do from now on. I plan to get my money's worth!
(Incidentally, I spent a lot of time making the dramatic scrolling text look cheap - adding motion glitches, rendering it from a different angle each time etc. And the ultimate effect is almost completely unnoticeable. Should have just put an 'old film' filter on and been done with it.)
01 January 2009
2009 Antique Hunt, Noseybonk, and Xmas tat
Hello! It's 2009 now and I'm closer to being dead than ever before. As a direct result I've decided to try and track down a couple of bits from old British computer magazines, before I'm not alive enough to search for them any more. Irritatingly I had all the magazines in days gone by, but was forced to dispose of them in a house move years ago.
SO! If any of you fine people happen to have any of the following please drop me a line via the e-mail link in the top-right there. (I don't need access to them physically - scans would be great.)
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ta.
Further news! My Noseybonk appearance on the BBC's Screen Wipe is available online via the magic of YouTube. It's at the very start of the episode, but I strongly suggest you watch the whole thing as it's excellent. Cast your eyeballs here fella:
And finally the Christmas tat video I made has been online for a while, so here it is:
SO! If any of you fine people happen to have any of the following please drop me a line via the e-mail link in the top-right there. (I don't need access to them physically - scans would be great.)
- The last ever issue of Amiga Action magazine (Issue 89, December 1996, Egor in Toyland on the coverdisk). Specifically I want a scan of the "Son of Boggit" adventure game help section from it, which was less a tips section and more a thinly veiled rant.
- Any issues of Public Domain magazine, an obscure Future Publishing magazine which dealt with the freeware and shareware of the time for Amiga, ST and PC. There were only ever about 12 issues produced. (I'm trying to track down an incredibly inept Atari ST demo which was reviewed in it - I can't remember the name and nobody else has any recollection of it. If I can find the review I should be able to finally track it down.)
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ta.
Further news! My Noseybonk appearance on the BBC's Screen Wipe is available online via the magic of YouTube. It's at the very start of the episode, but I strongly suggest you watch the whole thing as it's excellent. Cast your eyeballs here fella:
And finally the Christmas tat video I made has been online for a while, so here it is:
Labels: Article, Noseybonk, Review, Video
09 December 2008
Watching the defectives
POP Station Watch rears its ugly head for a second time. This time a fake GBA SP has been infected with the insidious evil of the POP Station games...
It took real concentration to stop the bloody thing snapping shut on my fingers every 30 seconds.
If you'd like to buy one of these machines, like maybe you have brain damage or something, have a gander at my auctions page. Although since I put the review up most of them seem to have vanished from Ebay - I wonder if I was indirectly responsible for people buying them? Frankly, I hope not, because they bring nothing but pain, disappointment and funny beeping noises.
It took real concentration to stop the bloody thing snapping shut on my fingers every 30 seconds.
If you'd like to buy one of these machines, like maybe you have brain damage or something, have a gander at my auctions page. Although since I put the review up most of them seem to have vanished from Ebay - I wonder if I was indirectly responsible for people buying them? Frankly, I hope not, because they bring nothing but pain, disappointment and funny beeping noises.
29 October 2008
'Ello Tosh, got a timewaster?
My quest for a digital camcorder continues to fail miserably thanks to the lads at Toshiba:
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Camileo H10 shares its innards with one of those unknown-brand low budget Chinese camcorders that you can find on Ebay. Drop me a line if you can confirm / deny that.
On a completely different subject, I was recently interviewed by UK gaming site Peoww. Point your eyes towards this webpage if you'd like to know what I watch on TV and why I thought up Liquid Filth.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Camileo H10 shares its innards with one of those unknown-brand low budget Chinese camcorders that you can find on Ebay. Drop me a line if you can confirm / deny that.
On a completely different subject, I was recently interviewed by UK gaming site Peoww. Point your eyes towards this webpage if you'd like to know what I watch on TV and why I thought up Liquid Filth.
Labels: Article, Review, Video
10 October 2008
iPhone, youPhone, weallPhone for iPhone
A slightly special knock-off review this time. Why? Because people are actually wasting real money on this piece of tat. They're going for about £80 on Ebay. I am not joking.
Man, that was a long review. Think of it as a public service against wasting money on third rate tat.
Man, that was a long review. Think of it as a public service against wasting money on third rate tat.
28 September 2008
Watch with munter
What's far too big and doesn't work very well? The answer lies in this rare straight-to-camera video:
That was filmed on the new camcorder I'm testing out, which it transpires has the worst microphone ever conceived by human minds.
Oh, and did I mention that Spunky the video game influenced monkey made a return?
Many thanks to the splendid Wez for providing the further shenanigans of Spunky. Let's hope he makes some more. Soon. I want to see another one.
That was filmed on the new camcorder I'm testing out, which it transpires has the worst microphone ever conceived by human minds.
Oh, and did I mention that Spunky the video game influenced monkey made a return?
Many thanks to the splendid Wez for providing the further shenanigans of Spunky. Let's hope he makes some more. Soon. I want to see another one.
03 September 2008
Softly softly
Introducing POP Station Watch!
I have a feeling that I will never make anything funnier than the POP Station Watch intro...
I have a feeling that I will never make anything funnier than the POP Station Watch intro...
25 August 2008
Cyber Spunky DLC FX - Only 800 points!
There are three things in this post.
The first thing is a review of the retina-melting Cyber FX visor:
The next thing is a rarity - something I didn't write and produce myself! I am pleased to present the charming adventures of Spunky, the Video Game Influenced Monkey:
The final thing... I've recently encountered "Downloadable content" (DLC) for the Xbox 360, specifically Namco's stuff for Soul Calibur IV. Currently a full half of it comprises of virtual maid's outfits with skimpy underwear, which they expect you to buy with real money (via the contrivance of Microsoft Points). I am not joking.
I was considering writing something about how utterly shit the vast majority of DLC is and how some publishers are crippling full-price releases as a result of it. But then I saw this article from UK Gaming site Peoww which sums up my thoughts almost exactly, and probably does it better than I would have done. Thanks, lads!
Thads.
The first thing is a review of the retina-melting Cyber FX visor:
The next thing is a rarity - something I didn't write and produce myself! I am pleased to present the charming adventures of Spunky, the Video Game Influenced Monkey:
The final thing... I've recently encountered "Downloadable content" (DLC) for the Xbox 360, specifically Namco's stuff for Soul Calibur IV. Currently a full half of it comprises of virtual maid's outfits with skimpy underwear, which they expect you to buy with real money (via the contrivance of Microsoft Points). I am not joking.
I was considering writing something about how utterly shit the vast majority of DLC is and how some publishers are crippling full-price releases as a result of it. But then I saw this article from UK Gaming site Peoww which sums up my thoughts almost exactly, and probably does it better than I would have done. Thanks, lads!
Thads.
17 August 2008
Sharp intake of breath over top row of teeth
I discovered a video review competition and decided to submit an entry. This features not only my first covert camera footage, but the first time I've feigned ignorance of basic plumbing techniques!
The guidelines stipulated that entries should be about 2 minutes long and that they shouldn't give much technical information. So I'll list the relevant information I left out here:
Incidentally, if you'd like to see the unedited covert plumber footage, I've stuck it up on Revver:
(No, I don't know why he fiddled with the plug when I asked if anything else needed doing.)
The guidelines stipulated that entries should be about 2 minutes long and that they shouldn't give much technical information. So I'll list the relevant information I left out here:
- The spy pen has 4gb storage space and is recognised as a removable drive by Windows.
- Theoretically, the pen could record an incredible 27 hours of footage before filling that space. But the internal, non-replaceable battery runs out after about an hour.
- It has no official name. No brand name is shown and therefore the manufacturer is unknown.
- I got it from Ebay. Check my auctions page for a useful link to find cheap ones.
- The pens are also available from various importers, but be prepared to pay MUCH more.
- Yes, it is also a working pen.
Incidentally, if you'd like to see the unedited covert plumber footage, I've stuck it up on Revver:
(No, I don't know why he fiddled with the plug when I asked if anything else needed doing.)
27 July 2008
Compare, Contrast, Coagulate
Thinking of buying one of those tiny digital video recorders? Well, before you do, make sure you're fully informed by reading several professional reviews. And if you have any time left over watch this video!
I had real trouble uploading that to YouTube, which now seems to massacre the quality of the file format I was using. Even though it was fine last week.
Here's the extra bit, for people who like extra bits:
ALSO: A friend has started a webthing called Wish you weren't here - it satirises the current trend of Angry Journalists whilst making a point, and does it rather nicely. Point your clicking finger at it and see what you think. (Warning - it's definitely not suitable for kiddywinks, and you might want to think twice about reading it at work.)
I had real trouble uploading that to YouTube, which now seems to massacre the quality of the file format I was using. Even though it was fine last week.
Here's the extra bit, for people who like extra bits:
ALSO: A friend has started a webthing called Wish you weren't here - it satirises the current trend of Angry Journalists whilst making a point, and does it rather nicely. Point your clicking finger at it and see what you think. (Warning - it's definitely not suitable for kiddywinks, and you might want to think twice about reading it at work.)
07 July 2008
Like the proverbial bad penny
The POP Station 'architecture' makes an unwelcome return in the Pro-Pop and "Neo Quad Games" (real name unknown):
Two POP Station clones, a caterpillar, the Godmonster and a whole lotta love. What more do you want, eh?
Oh. Noseybonk. I see.
Two POP Station clones, a caterpillar, the Godmonster and a whole lotta love. What more do you want, eh?
Oh. Noseybonk. I see.
05 June 2008
I fought the controls, and the controls won
It's a review of a horrid Guitar Hero rip-off! Rock on!
Rock off, more like.
Rock off, more like.
01 May 2008
Arse Zone, more like! Hahahaha!
It's our old friends Tiger Electronics again...
And if that wasn't painful enough, here's a bit more:
In a word: Ugh.
And if that wasn't painful enough, here's a bit more:
In a word: Ugh.
11 February 2008
Cartridge Clarification
I've been getting a lot of mail saying I should try to put a Gameboy Advance cartridge into the Vii, as they are the same format. NOT POSSIBLE!
They're not actually the same format. In the video I refer to the Vii VC-1 cartridge as a "Mini GBA cartridge" - this is because it's physically smaller than GBA games.
So, as you can see, I can't plug a GBA cart into the Vii. Or vice versa.
They're not actually the same format. In the video I refer to the Vii VC-1 cartridge as a "Mini GBA cartridge" - this is because it's physically smaller than GBA games.
So, as you can see, I can't plug a GBA cart into the Vii. Or vice versa.
Labels: Review
06 February 2008
Veni et Vidi Vii
Chintendo Vii review! Woo! I mean, Voo!
Since procuring the dreaded Vii incurred a HARSH FINANCIAL PENALTY, I've used it to the max by putting together a further review of the "VC-1" games cartridge that came with it:
And that's not all! In the unlikely event that you're not thoroughly sick of my voice by now, there's even some unused footage!
These two videos are available at my new 'DVD Extras' style thing, extras.ashens.com.
Now, what to do with the Vii? I usually keep the things I review, but this was just too damned expensive. If you're interested in buying it for some reason - e-mail me. Perhaps I can set up a silent auction, or even a Chinese auction. Or something.
Since procuring the dreaded Vii incurred a HARSH FINANCIAL PENALTY, I've used it to the max by putting together a further review of the "VC-1" games cartridge that came with it:
And that's not all! In the unlikely event that you're not thoroughly sick of my voice by now, there's even some unused footage!
These two videos are available at my new 'DVD Extras' style thing, extras.ashens.com.
Now, what to do with the Vii? I usually keep the things I review, but this was just too damned expensive. If you're interested in buying it for some reason - e-mail me. Perhaps I can set up a silent auction, or even a Chinese auction. Or something.
19 December 2007
Kwon is strong
I've been wanting to rip this piece of hideous crap to pieces since I spent £10 on it fifteen years ago.
CATHARSIS ACHIEVED.
DVD Bonus Extra Thing!
Here's a cobbled-together preview of the game from the ZX Spectrum magazine Crash, which shows that the publisher originally wanted to promote Human Killing Machine as the official Street Fighter II. Until higher-up people at Capcom told them to drop dead, presumably.
CATHARSIS ACHIEVED.
DVD Bonus Extra Thing!
Here's a cobbled-together preview of the game from the ZX Spectrum magazine Crash, which shows that the publisher originally wanted to promote Human Killing Machine as the official Street Fighter II. Until higher-up people at Capcom told them to drop dead, presumably.
07 December 2007
Dad, Dad, I can't see the screen Dad
Ugh. These were the most horrible pieces of rip-off tat I've found so far. Ugh.
Thanks to Narcoleptic Insomnia Productions for sending me the games for this review.
I've still got a few Neo Double Games left if you want to buy one. They're the perfect gift for Xmas!*
*This is a lie
08 November 2007
You are getting sleepy...
This should (hopefully) be the last review of anything that has exactly the same insides as the POP Station / Neo Double Games / PolyStation 3.
If you want a Neo Double Games unit, like maybe you have brain damage or something, simply pop over to shop.ashens.com. They're surprisingly expensive!
ALSO: Please stop e-mailing me about the 'Chintendo Vii' and the 'Tilt Angle' - I can't find any to review. Yet. (Although it seems the Vii would cost well over £100 so is out of the question anyway)
If you want a Neo Double Games unit, like maybe you have brain damage or something, simply pop over to shop.ashens.com. They're surprisingly expensive!
ALSO: Please stop e-mailing me about the 'Chintendo Vii' and the 'Tilt Angle' - I can't find any to review. Yet. (Although it seems the Vii would cost well over £100 so is out of the question anyway)
06 October 2007
POPstation: The Revenge
I found another POPstation, with a different game. About submarines and aeroplanes.
This is the only comment I will make on the second half: Yes, there is a prize.
This is the only comment I will make on the second half: Yes, there is a prize.
21 August 2007
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmm
The year is 1988. Gorbachev is initiating perestroika, the UK Government bans TV interviews with IRA members and Anco releases Karting Grand Prix for the Atari ST.
Go Speed Racer!
Go Speed Racer!
15 July 2007
The three-eyed Barbirian saps your will to fight
What's the time, kids? It's 12:11pm GMT. But that also happpens to be time for a return to video reviews of electronic tat!
Worthless DVD-style bonus extra!
As I mention in the video, the interrupting phone call was some double-glazing salesman who was incredibly rude. I tried to stay polite as he arrogantly insinuated that I was lying about the status of my windows, and when I finally raised my voice slightly he simply replied "Fuck you!"
The camcorder was still rolling during the call and after some amplification you can clearly hear my blustering, what-the-fuck-is-going-on-here side of the conversation here. (Clicking noises are guinea pigs drinking, which have been amplified too.)
In other stuffs - I seem to have repeatedly failed to mention that a character based on me appears in a comic book. Issue 4 of 'Superhero University' features Dr. Ashen in 18 separate panels, so therefore must be the best comic book ever that wasn't written by Alan Moore.
Worthless DVD-style bonus extra!
As I mention in the video, the interrupting phone call was some double-glazing salesman who was incredibly rude. I tried to stay polite as he arrogantly insinuated that I was lying about the status of my windows, and when I finally raised my voice slightly he simply replied "Fuck you!"
The camcorder was still rolling during the call and after some amplification you can clearly hear my blustering, what-the-fuck-is-going-on-here side of the conversation here. (Clicking noises are guinea pigs drinking, which have been amplified too.)
In other stuffs - I seem to have repeatedly failed to mention that a character based on me appears in a comic book. Issue 4 of 'Superhero University' features Dr. Ashen in 18 separate panels, so therefore must be the best comic book ever that wasn't written by Alan Moore.
30 April 2007
Yes, I now have worms
Oop, forgot to post my latest review for Gizmodo. It's an exciting plastic rack that almost lets you make crisps in your microwave!
In other news: Trailer Club 70 has had it's video quality updated, which is nice. Although the site seems to be down at the time I'm typing this, which is much less nice.
The Secret Life of Skeletor has been featured on the homepage at Dailymotion, which was a pleasant surprise. In fact, I'm going to post their hosted version of the video below because it's much higher quality than Youtube.
The Secret Life of Skeletor
Uploaded by doctorashen
In other news: Trailer Club 70 has had it's video quality updated, which is nice. Although the site seems to be down at the time I'm typing this, which is much less nice.
The Secret Life of Skeletor has been featured on the homepage at Dailymotion, which was a pleasant surprise. In fact, I'm going to post their hosted version of the video below because it's much higher quality than Youtube.
The Secret Life of Skeletor
Uploaded by doctorashen
Labels: Gizmodo, Review, Site news, Video
15 February 2007
Behold the power of FIFTY GAMES.
Another review in conjunction with Gizmodo, the website that everyone thinks has an "n" in it's name!
This review has earned me many "Diggs" as the thing below shows. Hopefully they can be exchanged for goods, much like the Green Shield Stamps of old.
This review has earned me many "Diggs" as the thing below shows. Hopefully they can be exchanged for goods, much like the Green Shield Stamps of old.
Labels: Gizmodo, Review, Video
13 February 2007
Splash Wave
Look out, kids - it's a review of more horrible electronic tat. It's physically huge, a bright colour, and makes horrible screeching noises. Pretty much like everything from 1989, in fact.
Now to dispose of the damn thing...
Now to dispose of the damn thing...
11 January 2007
Look at what I forgot to do!
I've just realised that I never actually posted a link to the laser pointer review I did months ago for Gizmodo. COMMENCE RECTIFICATION:
Coming soon - A review of a 50-in-1 games thing for Gizmodo. And lots of worthless stuff for no reason whatsoever, of course!
Coming soon - A review of a 50-in-1 games thing for Gizmodo. And lots of worthless stuff for no reason whatsoever, of course!
Labels: Gizmodo, Review, Video
24 October 2006
Show Ryu, Ken!
Hello. How are you? Really? Oh dear... Never mind, keep using the ointment.
Here's a review of some silly toys:
Tedious technical site news:
All movies have been updated and now work with Flash Player 9. SPLENDID.
In an effort to alleviate page refresh problems and improve the stability of the YouTube links, the local address has changed to a different domain. The good news is it shouldn't affect anything much (except perhaps old links to the Cabrinator article). www.ashens.com will now redirect to the dancingyak url. LESS SPLENDID BUT STILL QUITE GOOD I SUPPOSE.
Here's a review of some silly toys:
Tedious technical site news:
All movies have been updated and now work with Flash Player 9. SPLENDID.
In an effort to alleviate page refresh problems and improve the stability of the YouTube links, the local address has changed to a different domain. The good news is it shouldn't affect anything much (except perhaps old links to the Cabrinator article). www.ashens.com will now redirect to the dancingyak url. LESS SPLENDID BUT STILL QUITE GOOD I SUPPOSE.
24 August 2006
12 Muinutes of Ennui
Bad news everyone - I've produced another video review. This one somehow stretches to 12 minutes, and covers a "Digital MP4 Player". Which is a chinese-built device for playing video in incredibly low quality. This one's split into two parts, just like Kill Bill!
If you managed to sit through all that, award yourself 20 Ashen points. Save up 250 points and you can have the Science Fiction author of your choice professionally murdered!*
(*Offer not valid in Ireland. Terry Pratchett costs an extra 25 points as his hat is bulletproof.)
If you managed to sit through all that, award yourself 20 Ashen points. Save up 250 points and you can have the Science Fiction author of your choice professionally murdered!*
(*Offer not valid in Ireland. Terry Pratchett costs an extra 25 points as his hat is bulletproof.)
