22 June 2009
Turn on, tune in, rip off
Radios that look a bit like iPods? I'll bet they're not very good.
See? I was right.
See? I was right.
16 June 2009
Sexy Eskimos and crab apples
Unbelievably, I was actually sent some free products to review by a company! I'll bet nobody makes that mistake again.
Apologies for low-video-quality-ness. I foolishly used a higher quality upload format, which YouTube predictably choked on. I've been spoiled by uploading stuff to Blip.
Apologies for low-video-quality-ness. I foolishly used a higher quality upload format, which YouTube predictably choked on. I've been spoiled by uploading stuff to Blip.
11 June 2009
Renegade III: The Final Insult
New video alert! And it's a doozy. And by "a doozy" I mean "terrifyingly drawn-out and self-indulgent." BUT. I. HATE. THIS. GAME. SO. MUCH. And so do all the other people who've ever paid money for it, as far as I can tell.
So think of this video as a public service. Or a delayed form of justice. Or maybe a mission from some god or other (not one of the good ones though - probably one of the minor Roman deities who nobody ever really believed in.)
Big hugs and maybe a cheeky kiss to That Guy With The Glasses for getting me to make gaming videos again.
So think of this video as a public service. Or a delayed form of justice. Or maybe a mission from some god or other (not one of the good ones though - probably one of the minor Roman deities who nobody ever really believed in.)
Big hugs and maybe a cheeky kiss to That Guy With The Glasses for getting me to make gaming videos again.
08 May 2009
A charitable offering
POP Station Watch 4 is upon us already, like a great cloud full of irritating beepy music. Only the stupid sketch at the end can save us!
Also a quick recommendation - some independent games reviewers have come together under the banner of Renegade Reviewers, and released a rather nice DVD. It features two hours of exclusive review-o-action and contributors include splendid people such as Guru Larry, Wez and the Gaming Goose. Not only is it a lot of fun but it helps support reviewers who are untouched by the influence of games publishers. It may also convince you not to buy Lord of the Rings Conquest, and is therefore invaluable.
Actually, speaking of banners, here's one for the DVD which lists all the contributors:
Also a quick recommendation - some independent games reviewers have come together under the banner of Renegade Reviewers, and released a rather nice DVD. It features two hours of exclusive review-o-action and contributors include splendid people such as Guru Larry, Wez and the Gaming Goose. Not only is it a lot of fun but it helps support reviewers who are untouched by the influence of games publishers. It may also convince you not to buy Lord of the Rings Conquest, and is therefore invaluable.
Actually, speaking of banners, here's one for the DVD which lists all the contributors:
25 April 2009
Answers and Twitter blither
You asked for it (literally):
Twitter news - I'm approaching 1000 followers, and when that utterly meaningless milestone is reached I'm going to hold a competition. The prize will be an Ashen action figure (remember them?) and an Ashenthology DVD. And infinite respect from all the people of the world, of course.
Twitter news - I'm approaching 1000 followers, and when that utterly meaningless milestone is reached I'm going to hold a competition. The prize will be an Ashen action figure (remember them?) and an Ashenthology DVD. And infinite respect from all the people of the world, of course.
16 April 2009
Allow 28 days for delivery
Boring trivia: This idea was based on an old joke about integrated graphics on PC's being so slow that "it would be quicker if they sent frame updates in the post." I then married it with the systems behind old Play-By-Mail games like It's a Crime. Larry actually recorded the voice-over in August last year and I never got round to producing the video.
But! When the suspiciously impossible-sounding "OnLive" service was announced I realised I could now make this video and it would appear to be timely satire! Serendipity indeed.
31 March 2009
Keep things hopping
Authentic looking fake DS plays vaguely authentic Frogger. Film at eleven. If by 'eleven you mean 'here':
On a totally irrelevant note, I've been getting quite into Goozex since it started up in Europe. It sounds a bit like txtspk for 'goose eggs' but is actually a game-swapping service. Effectively you can get rid of games you don't want and get one you do for a single € and the cost of sending a large letter. (Plus they give you a free trade credit and 100 points for signing up, which means you can get something like Resident Evil 4 for Gamecube completely free without even sending anything to anyone. Like I did.) It also uses a clever feedback system which guarantees that no evil swine can rip you off.
I've mostly been using it to rebuild my Gamecube collection but they cover a whole host of formats - even Dreamcast and Mac. It does need some new blood to take off properly, though, so if you fancy some swapping larks (or just a free game) click yourself over to Goozex and sign thyself up.
(Incidentally, that's a referral link which gives me a free trade or something if you sign up and keep using the service. If you'd prefer not to do that because you hate my guts or something, use the basic link here.)
On a totally irrelevant note, I've been getting quite into Goozex since it started up in Europe. It sounds a bit like txtspk for 'goose eggs' but is actually a game-swapping service. Effectively you can get rid of games you don't want and get one you do for a single € and the cost of sending a large letter. (Plus they give you a free trade credit and 100 points for signing up, which means you can get something like Resident Evil 4 for Gamecube completely free without even sending anything to anyone. Like I did.) It also uses a clever feedback system which guarantees that no evil swine can rip you off.
I've mostly been using it to rebuild my Gamecube collection but they cover a whole host of formats - even Dreamcast and Mac. It does need some new blood to take off properly, though, so if you fancy some swapping larks (or just a free game) click yourself over to Goozex and sign thyself up.
(Incidentally, that's a referral link which gives me a free trade or something if you sign up and keep using the service. If you'd prefer not to do that because you hate my guts or something, use the basic link here.)
26 February 2009
POP Station Watch 3: Season of the Netbook
A POP Station with a 7 inch screen? It never ends! (Until the POP Station factories are killed off by the global recession.)
I realised why this video (and the last one) show up in low quality on YouTube. It's because I used the wrong program to encode them, and didn't realise. Bugger and arse.
I realised why this video (and the last one) show up in low quality on YouTube. It's because I used the wrong program to encode them, and didn't realise. Bugger and arse.
19 February 2009
What lurks within
Time to go Through the Tech Hole to see what Microsoft are up to with the Xbox 360's innards...
(Oddly, no high quality version of the video seems to have been made available, despite me using the same settings as the last two videos. Maybe it will magically appear later on or something.)
In other news - why not have a click on this link, which will show you an exclusive Street Fighter IV preview piece from Guru Larry. It is possibly the first non-rubbish video to ever appear on a UK shop's website, AND references Human Killing Machine. What more could you ask for?
(Oddly, no high quality version of the video seems to have been made available, despite me using the same settings as the last two videos. Maybe it will magically appear later on or something.)
In other news - why not have a click on this link, which will show you an exclusive Street Fighter IV preview piece from Guru Larry. It is possibly the first non-rubbish video to ever appear on a UK shop's website, AND references Human Killing Machine. What more could you ask for?
04 February 2009
Fail to the King
Game King! Its name reverberates like the clang of a particularly damp bell. And it's inspired two separate videos. Such as this one:
And also this one:
The second video uses the first piece of music I've ever officially licensed. It cost me nearly £6 so expect to hear it on everything I do from now on. I plan to get my money's worth!
(Incidentally, I spent a lot of time making the dramatic scrolling text look cheap - adding motion glitches, rendering it from a different angle each time etc. And the ultimate effect is almost completely unnoticeable. Should have just put an 'old film' filter on and been done with it.)
And also this one:
The second video uses the first piece of music I've ever officially licensed. It cost me nearly £6 so expect to hear it on everything I do from now on. I plan to get my money's worth!
(Incidentally, I spent a lot of time making the dramatic scrolling text look cheap - adding motion glitches, rendering it from a different angle each time etc. And the ultimate effect is almost completely unnoticeable. Should have just put an 'old film' filter on and been done with it.)
01 January 2009
2009 Antique Hunt, Noseybonk, and Xmas tat
Hello! It's 2009 now and I'm closer to being dead than ever before. As a direct result I've decided to try and track down a couple of bits from old British computer magazines, before I'm not alive enough to search for them any more. Irritatingly I had all the magazines in days gone by, but was forced to dispose of them in a house move years ago.
SO! If any of you fine people happen to have any of the following please drop me a line via the e-mail link in the top-right there. (I don't need access to them physically - scans would be great.)
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ta.
Further news! My Noseybonk appearance on the BBC's Screen Wipe is available online via the magic of YouTube. It's at the very start of the episode, but I strongly suggest you watch the whole thing as it's excellent. Cast your eyeballs here fella:
And finally the Christmas tat video I made has been online for a while, so here it is:
SO! If any of you fine people happen to have any of the following please drop me a line via the e-mail link in the top-right there. (I don't need access to them physically - scans would be great.)
- The last ever issue of Amiga Action magazine (Issue 89, December 1996, Egor in Toyland on the coverdisk). Specifically I want a scan of the "Son of Boggit" adventure game help section from it, which was less a tips section and more a thinly veiled rant.
- Any issues of Public Domain magazine, an obscure Future Publishing magazine which dealt with the freeware and shareware of the time for Amiga, ST and PC. There were only ever about 12 issues produced. (I'm trying to track down an incredibly inept Atari ST demo which was reviewed in it - I can't remember the name and nobody else has any recollection of it. If I can find the review I should be able to finally track it down.)
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ta.
Further news! My Noseybonk appearance on the BBC's Screen Wipe is available online via the magic of YouTube. It's at the very start of the episode, but I strongly suggest you watch the whole thing as it's excellent. Cast your eyeballs here fella:
And finally the Christmas tat video I made has been online for a while, so here it is:
Labels: Article, Noseybonk, Review, Video
09 December 2008
Watching the defectives
POP Station Watch rears its ugly head for a second time. This time a fake GBA SP has been infected with the insidious evil of the POP Station games...
It took real concentration to stop the bloody thing snapping shut on my fingers every 30 seconds.
If you'd like to buy one of these machines, like maybe you have brain damage or something, have a gander at my auctions page. Although since I put the review up most of them seem to have vanished from Ebay - I wonder if I was indirectly responsible for people buying them? Frankly, I hope not, because they bring nothing but pain, disappointment and funny beeping noises.
It took real concentration to stop the bloody thing snapping shut on my fingers every 30 seconds.
If you'd like to buy one of these machines, like maybe you have brain damage or something, have a gander at my auctions page. Although since I put the review up most of them seem to have vanished from Ebay - I wonder if I was indirectly responsible for people buying them? Frankly, I hope not, because they bring nothing but pain, disappointment and funny beeping noises.
29 November 2008
Hats off to YouTube
YouTube have finally invoked the 16:9 aspect and gone widescreen, which is splendid. And they're not forcibly stretching 4:3 aspect videos to fit the whole length of the new window, which is even more splendid. But what have they released...?
The setup for this joke was taken from an idea I had for a short horror film about 18 months ago. Nobody would fund it though. Bastards.
(Incidentally, the object on the dartboard is a copy of the film poster for the tedious 2007 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. With a shuriken stuck in it.)
The setup for this joke was taken from an idea I had for a short horror film about 18 months ago. Nobody would fund it though. Bastards.
(Incidentally, the object on the dartboard is a copy of the film poster for the tedious 2007 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. With a shuriken stuck in it.)
Labels: Video
20 November 2008
Keeping your hand in
A quick post to say that a new episode of the rather splendid Wez & Larry's Top Tens is available to view online. It's showcasing ten of the worst TV licenses in video game history and is a whole heap'o'fun.
But that's not all - I literally had a hand in it. During the sequence about the infamous Eastenders game for ZX Spectrum, I demonstrate the ridiculous control system you were forced to use. Go here to see my very own arms, Spectrum and piece of wood!
But that's not all - I literally had a hand in it. During the sequence about the infamous Eastenders game for ZX Spectrum, I demonstrate the ridiculous control system you were forced to use. Go here to see my very own arms, Spectrum and piece of wood!
07 November 2008
Dreadfully Vile Disc
Glory Be - My DVD is finally ready!
Mosey on over to the shop if you'd like one.
In other news, eagle-eyed viewer Justin spotted what we all suspected - that the Toshiba Camileo H10 I reviewed is just a re-badged no-mark cheapo model. It usually goes by the name of "Digilife DDV-Z530" and can be found on Ebay where you can get it shipped over from Hong Kong.
Mosey on over to the shop if you'd like one.
In other news, eagle-eyed viewer Justin spotted what we all suspected - that the Toshiba Camileo H10 I reviewed is just a re-badged no-mark cheapo model. It usually goes by the name of "Digilife DDV-Z530" and can be found on Ebay where you can get it shipped over from Hong Kong.
Labels: Video
29 October 2008
'Ello Tosh, got a timewaster?
My quest for a digital camcorder continues to fail miserably thanks to the lads at Toshiba:
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Camileo H10 shares its innards with one of those unknown-brand low budget Chinese camcorders that you can find on Ebay. Drop me a line if you can confirm / deny that.
On a completely different subject, I was recently interviewed by UK gaming site Peoww. Point your eyes towards this webpage if you'd like to know what I watch on TV and why I thought up Liquid Filth.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Camileo H10 shares its innards with one of those unknown-brand low budget Chinese camcorders that you can find on Ebay. Drop me a line if you can confirm / deny that.
On a completely different subject, I was recently interviewed by UK gaming site Peoww. Point your eyes towards this webpage if you'd like to know what I watch on TV and why I thought up Liquid Filth.
Labels: Article, Review, Video
10 October 2008
iPhone, youPhone, weallPhone for iPhone
A slightly special knock-off review this time. Why? Because people are actually wasting real money on this piece of tat. They're going for about £80 on Ebay. I am not joking.
Man, that was a long review. Think of it as a public service against wasting money on third rate tat.
Man, that was a long review. Think of it as a public service against wasting money on third rate tat.
28 September 2008
Watch with munter
What's far too big and doesn't work very well? The answer lies in this rare straight-to-camera video:
That was filmed on the new camcorder I'm testing out, which it transpires has the worst microphone ever conceived by human minds.
Oh, and did I mention that Spunky the video game influenced monkey made a return?
Many thanks to the splendid Wez for providing the further shenanigans of Spunky. Let's hope he makes some more. Soon. I want to see another one.
That was filmed on the new camcorder I'm testing out, which it transpires has the worst microphone ever conceived by human minds.
Oh, and did I mention that Spunky the video game influenced monkey made a return?
Many thanks to the splendid Wez for providing the further shenanigans of Spunky. Let's hope he makes some more. Soon. I want to see another one.
09 September 2008
Prepare for signal intrusion
And now for something fairly different. Kenneth Lightly, the world's creepiest video blogger, has been forced to air his views by forces unknown:
Well blimey.
Well blimey.
03 September 2008
Softly softly
Introducing POP Station Watch!
I have a feeling that I will never make anything funnier than the POP Station Watch intro...
I have a feeling that I will never make anything funnier than the POP Station Watch intro...
25 August 2008
Cyber Spunky DLC FX - Only 800 points!
There are three things in this post.
The first thing is a review of the retina-melting Cyber FX visor:
The next thing is a rarity - something I didn't write and produce myself! I am pleased to present the charming adventures of Spunky, the Video Game Influenced Monkey:
The final thing... I've recently encountered "Downloadable content" (DLC) for the Xbox 360, specifically Namco's stuff for Soul Calibur IV. Currently a full half of it comprises of virtual maid's outfits with skimpy underwear, which they expect you to buy with real money (via the contrivance of Microsoft Points). I am not joking.
I was considering writing something about how utterly shit the vast majority of DLC is and how some publishers are crippling full-price releases as a result of it. But then I saw this article from UK Gaming site Peoww which sums up my thoughts almost exactly, and probably does it better than I would have done. Thanks, lads!
Thads.
The first thing is a review of the retina-melting Cyber FX visor:
The next thing is a rarity - something I didn't write and produce myself! I am pleased to present the charming adventures of Spunky, the Video Game Influenced Monkey:
The final thing... I've recently encountered "Downloadable content" (DLC) for the Xbox 360, specifically Namco's stuff for Soul Calibur IV. Currently a full half of it comprises of virtual maid's outfits with skimpy underwear, which they expect you to buy with real money (via the contrivance of Microsoft Points). I am not joking.
I was considering writing something about how utterly shit the vast majority of DLC is and how some publishers are crippling full-price releases as a result of it. But then I saw this article from UK Gaming site Peoww which sums up my thoughts almost exactly, and probably does it better than I would have done. Thanks, lads!
Thads.
17 August 2008
Sharp intake of breath over top row of teeth
I discovered a video review competition and decided to submit an entry. This features not only my first covert camera footage, but the first time I've feigned ignorance of basic plumbing techniques!
The guidelines stipulated that entries should be about 2 minutes long and that they shouldn't give much technical information. So I'll list the relevant information I left out here:
Incidentally, if you'd like to see the unedited covert plumber footage, I've stuck it up on Revver:
(No, I don't know why he fiddled with the plug when I asked if anything else needed doing.)
The guidelines stipulated that entries should be about 2 minutes long and that they shouldn't give much technical information. So I'll list the relevant information I left out here:
- The spy pen has 4gb storage space and is recognised as a removable drive by Windows.
- Theoretically, the pen could record an incredible 27 hours of footage before filling that space. But the internal, non-replaceable battery runs out after about an hour.
- It has no official name. No brand name is shown and therefore the manufacturer is unknown.
- I got it from Ebay. Check my auctions page for a useful link to find cheap ones.
- The pens are also available from various importers, but be prepared to pay MUCH more.
- Yes, it is also a working pen.
Incidentally, if you'd like to see the unedited covert plumber footage, I've stuck it up on Revver:
(No, I don't know why he fiddled with the plug when I asked if anything else needed doing.)
12 August 2008
The Jig is Up
Noseybonk returns back again!
What a cheeky scamp he is.
What a cheeky scamp he is.
27 July 2008
Compare, Contrast, Coagulate
Thinking of buying one of those tiny digital video recorders? Well, before you do, make sure you're fully informed by reading several professional reviews. And if you have any time left over watch this video!
I had real trouble uploading that to YouTube, which now seems to massacre the quality of the file format I was using. Even though it was fine last week.
Here's the extra bit, for people who like extra bits:
ALSO: A friend has started a webthing called Wish you weren't here - it satirises the current trend of Angry Journalists whilst making a point, and does it rather nicely. Point your clicking finger at it and see what you think. (Warning - it's definitely not suitable for kiddywinks, and you might want to think twice about reading it at work.)
I had real trouble uploading that to YouTube, which now seems to massacre the quality of the file format I was using. Even though it was fine last week.
Here's the extra bit, for people who like extra bits:
ALSO: A friend has started a webthing called Wish you weren't here - it satirises the current trend of Angry Journalists whilst making a point, and does it rather nicely. Point your clicking finger at it and see what you think. (Warning - it's definitely not suitable for kiddywinks, and you might want to think twice about reading it at work.)
18 July 2008
Informatique
DVD SURVEY HERE! PLEASE VOTE
There is much information to be disseminated via the medium of video. Here goes:
Wow, so many links in so little time! The layout of the site has been altered slightly to incorporate the extras in a less silly fashion.
Please vote on the DVD thing using the link above. It will help me immensely, as I need to work out how many of them to have produced. The DVD will feature all my reviews and personal animation-type things along with various exclusive extras and hidden bits (including some stuff I produced which I never uploaded anywhere as it was a bit 'risky'). There will be no director's commentary, I promise. Price will be about £8 / $20 / € 13 including postage.
Also, on the subject of auctions, I'll be starting to stick the stuff I've reviewed on Ebay in a few weeks. I need the cupboard space for my shattered dreams.
ANYWAY. Here's another video, showing footage of me which will actually be broadcast on Satellite TV!
Apparently the CURSE OF ASHEN has since struck XLeague.tv, and they've fired loads of people and have temporarily stopped producing programmes which aren't about "E-Sports". And as "E-Sports" has a potential UK audience of about 132 people, some of which are about to discover girls, it seems highly likely that putting their eggs in that basket will kill them off completely. The sillies.
There is much information to be disseminated via the medium of video. Here goes:
Wow, so many links in so little time! The layout of the site has been altered slightly to incorporate the extras in a less silly fashion.
Please vote on the DVD thing using the link above. It will help me immensely, as I need to work out how many of them to have produced. The DVD will feature all my reviews and personal animation-type things along with various exclusive extras and hidden bits (including some stuff I produced which I never uploaded anywhere as it was a bit 'risky'). There will be no director's commentary, I promise. Price will be about £8 / $20 / € 13 including postage.
Also, on the subject of auctions, I'll be starting to stick the stuff I've reviewed on Ebay in a few weeks. I need the cupboard space for my shattered dreams.
ANYWAY. Here's another video, showing footage of me which will actually be broadcast on Satellite TV!
Apparently the CURSE OF ASHEN has since struck XLeague.tv, and they've fired loads of people and have temporarily stopped producing programmes which aren't about "E-Sports". And as "E-Sports" has a potential UK audience of about 132 people, some of which are about to discover girls, it seems highly likely that putting their eggs in that basket will kill them off completely. The sillies.
15 July 2008
Whither Frankie "Dishpan" Santana?
Insert tired Mr. T cliché here!
I forgot to mention the Spectrum and Amstrad A-Team game, which was an Operation Wolf rip-off. Apparently the Amstrad version featured loads of blood, in direct contrast to the TV show itself.
Interestingly, I noticed in the early YouTube comments for this video that people were surprised I swore a bit. I thought I did that all the time, but looking back at my videos it seems I hardly ever do. WEIRD.
I forgot to mention the Spectrum and Amstrad A-Team game, which was an Operation Wolf rip-off. Apparently the Amstrad version featured loads of blood, in direct contrast to the TV show itself.
Interestingly, I noticed in the early YouTube comments for this video that people were surprised I swore a bit. I thought I did that all the time, but looking back at my videos it seems I hardly ever do. WEIRD.
Labels: Edit / Dub, Video
07 July 2008
Like the proverbial bad penny
The POP Station 'architecture' makes an unwelcome return in the Pro-Pop and "Neo Quad Games" (real name unknown):
Two POP Station clones, a caterpillar, the Godmonster and a whole lotta love. What more do you want, eh?
Oh. Noseybonk. I see.
Two POP Station clones, a caterpillar, the Godmonster and a whole lotta love. What more do you want, eh?
Oh. Noseybonk. I see.
29 June 2008
We paid our fare with a hobo song
I've become a bit obsessed with the world's best mutant sheep, the Godmonster of Indian Flats. The following video is a result.
ALSO: A kindly person with poor taste has set up a Facebook group in my honour, titled "A bunch of people who like Dr. Ashen". My girlfriend claims that no more than 50 people will ever join it. She needs to be proven wrong - I'm sure you understand how important that is.
ALSO: A kindly person with poor taste has set up a Facebook group in my honour, titled "A bunch of people who like Dr. Ashen". My girlfriend claims that no more than 50 people will ever join it. She needs to be proven wrong - I'm sure you understand how important that is.
Labels: Edit / Dub, Parody, Video
10 June 2008
It conquered the world!
In association with Trailer Club 70...
Bonus feature! Look in the bottom right-hand corner of the frame at 3:12 - you can see the puppeteer's arm.
Bonus feature! Look in the bottom right-hand corner of the frame at 3:12 - you can see the puppeteer's arm.
Labels: Video
05 June 2008
I fought the controls, and the controls won
It's a review of a horrid Guitar Hero rip-off! Rock on!
Rock off, more like.
Rock off, more like.
19 May 2008
Buy squashed corn!
Doritos, the triangular snack people, recently ran a competition for people to make a 29 second TV advert for their wares. I dusted off everybody's least favourite hen-pecked husband, Henry Pickles, for this slightly odd effort:
If you don't completely despise it, why not head over to YouTube and rate it before leaving a nice comment? If enough people do that it may not fail as badly as I predict!
If you don't completely despise it, why not head over to YouTube and rate it before leaving a nice comment? If enough people do that it may not fail as badly as I predict!
15 May 2008
The All New POP Station Show!
Many people have e-mailed me to advise that a current UK advert for Dairylea cheese-type-stuff features a POP Station. By using the dark powers of the Internet I've extracted this screen cap showing it:
Judging by the position of the controls and screen, it isn't actually a POP Station but a less authentic-looking PSP rip-off. The screen also appears to be grey, implying that it's a normal LCD display. The closest thing to that shape I've seen was a portable Sudoku player - but your guess is as good as mine.
Whatever it is, I'll bet it doesn't justify wearing huge headphones like that. "Wow, these monophonic bleeps sound so clear!"
In other news - I've removed the Ashen Action Figure advert from YouTube as the auction has now ended. Many, many thanks to all bidders - especially the ones who won (and therefore sent me money).
In the unlikely event that you'd still like to see the advert, I've stuck it on Revver as you can see below.
Judging by the position of the controls and screen, it isn't actually a POP Station but a less authentic-looking PSP rip-off. The screen also appears to be grey, implying that it's a normal LCD display. The closest thing to that shape I've seen was a portable Sudoku player - but your guess is as good as mine.
Whatever it is, I'll bet it doesn't justify wearing huge headphones like that. "Wow, these monophonic bleeps sound so clear!"
In other news - I've removed the Ashen Action Figure advert from YouTube as the auction has now ended. Many, many thanks to all bidders - especially the ones who won (and therefore sent me money).
In the unlikely event that you'd still like to see the advert, I've stuck it on Revver as you can see below.
10 May 2008
Noseybonk - Still Returning
Good ol' Nosey is spending some time in the kitchen, with delicious results:
Yum!
Yum!
03 May 2008
Bizarre Quasi-Merchandising of the Month Club
I've finally caved to the repeated e-mails from people asking where they can buy one of the action figures featured in an old video, and made ten more of the bearded monsters. Point your eyes towards this limited-edition advert (use of ears is also advised):
So, in the immensely unlikely event that you want one, run over to auction.ashens.com which attempts to sort out an Ebay link suitable to your current position on the planet.
In other things, it's the start of the month so Trailer Club 70 has been updated again. And I actually remembered to mention it here for once!
So, in the immensely unlikely event that you want one, run over to auction.ashens.com which attempts to sort out an Ebay link suitable to your current position on the planet.
In other things, it's the start of the month so Trailer Club 70 has been updated again. And I actually remembered to mention it here for once!
01 May 2008
Arse Zone, more like! Hahahaha!
It's our old friends Tiger Electronics again...
And if that wasn't painful enough, here's a bit more:
In a word: Ugh.
And if that wasn't painful enough, here's a bit more:
In a word: Ugh.
24 April 2008
Faster, faster, faster, SPEED
Let's lay this blighter to rest! Quickest Game Overs Ever Part 2:
Please note that the raft of grotesque video effects were an aesthetic choice, and in no way an attempt to conceal a major flaw in the original footage...
Please note that the raft of grotesque video effects were an aesthetic choice, and in no way an attempt to conceal a major flaw in the original footage...
28 March 2008
You Sillier Outlaw
Noseybonk has returned in his first outing for over twenty years: "Fridge."
I've had several e-mails from adults who said that the teaser trailer gave them nightmares, so I hope this actual episode doesn't push them into therapy...
I'm currently putting together a proper site for Good ol' Nosey, with suitably eerie desktop wallpapers and stuff. Stay tuned! (and hiding behind the sofa)
I've had several e-mails from adults who said that the teaser trailer gave them nightmares, so I hope this actual episode doesn't push them into therapy...
I'm currently putting together a proper site for Good ol' Nosey, with suitably eerie desktop wallpapers and stuff. Stay tuned! (and hiding behind the sofa)
15 March 2008
Faster, Pussycat
Just how quick is quick?
And now the hunt is on for the quickest game over ever! Only commercial games count and joke games are omitted. So no Flash games such as Cursor Thief, no deliberately difficult stuff like Soybon Action, and no comedy semi-games like Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
After tip-offs from viewers I'm investigating the following:
ECW Hardcore Revolution (PS1)
Karateka (NES)
Frontier: Elite 2 (Amiga)
Jurassic Park (SNES)
Action 52: Starevil (NES)
Action 52: Micro Mike (NES)
Leisure Suit Larry (PC / Amiga / ST / Everybloodything)
Transformers (NES)
I should have thought of Frontier and Leisure Suit Larry myself. Anyway, FURTHER INVESTIGATION AND UNNECESSARY CAPITALISATION TO COME!
And now the hunt is on for the quickest game over ever! Only commercial games count and joke games are omitted. So no Flash games such as Cursor Thief, no deliberately difficult stuff like Soybon Action, and no comedy semi-games like Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
After tip-offs from viewers I'm investigating the following:
ECW Hardcore Revolution (PS1)
Karateka (NES)
Frontier: Elite 2 (Amiga)
Jurassic Park (SNES)
Action 52: Starevil (NES)
Action 52: Micro Mike (NES)
Leisure Suit Larry (PC / Amiga / ST / Everybloodything)
Transformers (NES)
I should have thought of Frontier and Leisure Suit Larry myself. Anyway, FURTHER INVESTIGATION AND UNNECESSARY CAPITALISATION TO COME!
Labels: Video
13 March 2008
Did he ever really leave you?
He's back. Oh, how he's back.
Noseybonk was a bizarrely eerie character from Jigsaw, a 1980's kids TV show. He's one of those childhood things that few people remember until you show them a picture, then they say "OH MY GOD I REMEMBER HIM!" and hide behind the sofa in a foetal position. For the next three weeks.
I'm going to produce a series of videos based around him because I missed him so. The first one is due on 27th March, as you probably guessed.
Noseybonk was a bizarrely eerie character from Jigsaw, a 1980's kids TV show. He's one of those childhood things that few people remember until you show them a picture, then they say "OH MY GOD I REMEMBER HIM!" and hide behind the sofa in a foetal position. For the next three weeks.
I'm going to produce a series of videos based around him because I missed him so. The first one is due on 27th March, as you probably guessed.
18 February 2008
An exciting meal has been ruined by the presence of this...
I've already had e-mails from people wanting to buy a clearly fake action figure.
I don't know why the video quality is so low - I used the same settings as always. I'll try a different format next time.
As an added bonus-y thing, here's the Liquid Filth song on it's own in higher quality!
I might sort out an mp3 download for the extras page later.
I don't know why the video quality is so low - I used the same settings as always. I'll try a different format next time.
As an added bonus-y thing, here's the Liquid Filth song on it's own in higher quality!
I might sort out an mp3 download for the extras page later.
Labels: Video
12 February 2008
I am not Lovejoy
Look out, it's me talking into the camera.
Try not to notice how I get the movies 'Rebel Without a Cause' and 'The Wild One' mixed up...
Try not to notice how I get the movies 'Rebel Without a Cause' and 'The Wild One' mixed up...
Labels: Video
06 February 2008
Veni et Vidi Vii
Chintendo Vii review! Woo! I mean, Voo!
Since procuring the dreaded Vii incurred a HARSH FINANCIAL PENALTY, I've used it to the max by putting together a further review of the "VC-1" games cartridge that came with it:
And that's not all! In the unlikely event that you're not thoroughly sick of my voice by now, there's even some unused footage!
These two videos are available at my new 'DVD Extras' style thing, extras.ashens.com.
Now, what to do with the Vii? I usually keep the things I review, but this was just too damned expensive. If you're interested in buying it for some reason - e-mail me. Perhaps I can set up a silent auction, or even a Chinese auction. Or something.
Since procuring the dreaded Vii incurred a HARSH FINANCIAL PENALTY, I've used it to the max by putting together a further review of the "VC-1" games cartridge that came with it:
And that's not all! In the unlikely event that you're not thoroughly sick of my voice by now, there's even some unused footage!
These two videos are available at my new 'DVD Extras' style thing, extras.ashens.com.
Now, what to do with the Vii? I usually keep the things I review, but this was just too damned expensive. If you're interested in buying it for some reason - e-mail me. Perhaps I can set up a silent auction, or even a Chinese auction. Or something.
14 January 2008
A la recherche du temps perdu
I've uploaded some old videos that may be of vague interest - kind of like web-based DVD extras, or something.
The first is an unused scene from my Gamespower 50 Review, which features the built-in game Sky Mission:
The second is a fairly crappy animation I made 18 years ago on an Atari ST:
Crikey, 18 years. Time flies like an arrow! (Fruit flies like a banana)
The first is an unused scene from my Gamespower 50 Review, which features the built-in game Sky Mission:
The second is a fairly crappy animation I made 18 years ago on an Atari ST:
Crikey, 18 years. Time flies like an arrow! (Fruit flies like a banana)
19 December 2007
Kwon is strong
I've been wanting to rip this piece of hideous crap to pieces since I spent £10 on it fifteen years ago.
CATHARSIS ACHIEVED.
DVD Bonus Extra Thing!
Here's a cobbled-together preview of the game from the ZX Spectrum magazine Crash, which shows that the publisher originally wanted to promote Human Killing Machine as the official Street Fighter II. Until higher-up people at Capcom told them to drop dead, presumably.
CATHARSIS ACHIEVED.
DVD Bonus Extra Thing!
Here's a cobbled-together preview of the game from the ZX Spectrum magazine Crash, which shows that the publisher originally wanted to promote Human Killing Machine as the official Street Fighter II. Until higher-up people at Capcom told them to drop dead, presumably.
07 December 2007
Dad, Dad, I can't see the screen Dad
Ugh. These were the most horrible pieces of rip-off tat I've found so far. Ugh.
Thanks to Narcoleptic Insomnia Productions for sending me the games for this review.
I've still got a few Neo Double Games left if you want to buy one. They're the perfect gift for Xmas!*
*This is a lie
01 December 2007
Recap! Cap! Cap!
Now that Crap Comics Month is nothing more than a painful memory, here's a recap of the most interesting thing from last month that you may have missed: Gunstorm!
It is a music video that I made for a song. You've probably guessed that by now.
As a pointless 'DVD Extra' style bonus, here are some scenes which weren't used in the final cut:
It is a music video that I made for a song. You've probably guessed that by now.
As a pointless 'DVD Extra' style bonus, here are some scenes which weren't used in the final cut:
19 November 2007
You can rescue the Galaxy
Gosh! It's a music video I made for the song 'Gunstorm' by Steven McLachlan!
The song is a parody of eighties' kids TV themes (think Pole Position, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, Ulysses 31 etc) and the video itself is a parody of Star Fleet, Terrahawks and to a lesser extent Fireball XL5 and Thunderbirds.
The song is available on iTunes here, and you can download a demo of the PC game Gunstorm 2 here.
NOTE: The video is also viewable at YouTube on Steven McLachlan's own channel. Please stop e-mailing me saying he stole it - he didn't, he's the singer!
Here's an announcement video I made for it:
The song is a parody of eighties' kids TV themes (think Pole Position, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, Ulysses 31 etc) and the video itself is a parody of Star Fleet, Terrahawks and to a lesser extent Fireball XL5 and Thunderbirds.
The song is available on iTunes here, and you can download a demo of the PC game Gunstorm 2 here.
NOTE: The video is also viewable at YouTube on Steven McLachlan's own channel. Please stop e-mailing me saying he stole it - he didn't, he's the singer!
Here's an announcement video I made for it:
08 November 2007
You are getting sleepy...
This should (hopefully) be the last review of anything that has exactly the same insides as the POP Station / Neo Double Games / PolyStation 3.
If you want a Neo Double Games unit, like maybe you have brain damage or something, simply pop over to shop.ashens.com. They're surprisingly expensive!
ALSO: Please stop e-mailing me about the 'Chintendo Vii' and the 'Tilt Angle' - I can't find any to review. Yet. (Although it seems the Vii would cost well over £100 so is out of the question anyway)
If you want a Neo Double Games unit, like maybe you have brain damage or something, simply pop over to shop.ashens.com. They're surprisingly expensive!
ALSO: Please stop e-mailing me about the 'Chintendo Vii' and the 'Tilt Angle' - I can't find any to review. Yet. (Although it seems the Vii would cost well over £100 so is out of the question anyway)
31 October 2007
Drawn to Death
Starting tomorrow and finishing on 30th November this site will feature a new, original, and almost certainly awful comic strip each day. The vast majority have been produced by me, with a few submissions from willing volunteers.
FAQ:
Q: Will video production will continue as normal over this period?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you draw?
A: Not really.
K: Shouldn't this sentence have a Q in front of it?
A: Yes.
Labels: Comic, Site news, Video
20 October 2007
Monkey, head, tree, YouTube
I thought it was about time I put Poor Monkey on YouTube. Is it really suitable for a video sharing audience? Maybe not, as it's all scene setting until halfway through, by which time many casual viewers may have stopped watching. Oh well, here goes...
Perhaps I should have mentioned that this was on proper TV once!
Ultra-High-Quality-Mega Version can be found here.
Perhaps I should have mentioned that this was on proper TV once!
Ultra-High-Quality-Mega Version can be found here.
06 October 2007
POPstation: The Revenge
I found another POPstation, with a different game. About submarines and aeroplanes.
This is the only comment I will make on the second half: Yes, there is a prize.
This is the only comment I will make on the second half: Yes, there is a prize.
22 August 2007
Now see this
Have a look at this excellently spooky short film:
(Do try and watch it in Quicktime if possible - the Flash version has corrupt sound for some reason. I've removed the embedded version as it seemed to cause problems for some people.)
It was made by my long-time friend and occasional 3D graphics accomplice Joachim. He's always producing little animations for his own amusement, but I believe this is the first time he's actually put something on the Internet. And because he's Swedish, it features a naked lady!
Interpretation? I think it's saying that if you hand control of your life over to others you end up cold, alone and stuck.
Or that you shouldn't volunteer to stand under weird machinery.
(Do try and watch it in Quicktime if possible - the Flash version has corrupt sound for some reason. I've removed the embedded version as it seemed to cause problems for some people.)
It was made by my long-time friend and occasional 3D graphics accomplice Joachim. He's always producing little animations for his own amusement, but I believe this is the first time he's actually put something on the Internet. And because he's Swedish, it features a naked lady!
Interpretation? I think it's saying that if you hand control of your life over to others you end up cold, alone and stuck.
Or that you shouldn't volunteer to stand under weird machinery.
Labels: Video
21 August 2007
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmm
The year is 1988. Gorbachev is initiating perestroika, the UK Government bans TV interviews with IRA members and Anco releases Karting Grand Prix for the Atari ST.
Go Speed Racer!
Go Speed Racer!
24 July 2007
So, where does the earth go after it's been drilled through?
What's that coming over the hill? Is it a sequel? Is it a sequel?
Sadly, yes. The Secret Life of Skeletor 2: Electric Boogaloo...
Sadly, yes. The Secret Life of Skeletor 2: Electric Boogaloo...
Labels: Edit / Dub, Parody, Video
15 July 2007
The three-eyed Barbirian saps your will to fight
What's the time, kids? It's 12:11pm GMT. But that also happpens to be time for a return to video reviews of electronic tat!
Worthless DVD-style bonus extra!
As I mention in the video, the interrupting phone call was some double-glazing salesman who was incredibly rude. I tried to stay polite as he arrogantly insinuated that I was lying about the status of my windows, and when I finally raised my voice slightly he simply replied "Fuck you!"
The camcorder was still rolling during the call and after some amplification you can clearly hear my blustering, what-the-fuck-is-going-on-here side of the conversation here. (Clicking noises are guinea pigs drinking, which have been amplified too.)
In other stuffs - I seem to have repeatedly failed to mention that a character based on me appears in a comic book. Issue 4 of 'Superhero University' features Dr. Ashen in 18 separate panels, so therefore must be the best comic book ever that wasn't written by Alan Moore.
Worthless DVD-style bonus extra!
As I mention in the video, the interrupting phone call was some double-glazing salesman who was incredibly rude. I tried to stay polite as he arrogantly insinuated that I was lying about the status of my windows, and when I finally raised my voice slightly he simply replied "Fuck you!"
The camcorder was still rolling during the call and after some amplification you can clearly hear my blustering, what-the-fuck-is-going-on-here side of the conversation here. (Clicking noises are guinea pigs drinking, which have been amplified too.)
In other stuffs - I seem to have repeatedly failed to mention that a character based on me appears in a comic book. Issue 4 of 'Superhero University' features Dr. Ashen in 18 separate panels, so therefore must be the best comic book ever that wasn't written by Alan Moore.
16 June 2007
God, I hate "Reality" TV
12 June 2007
I'd better shape up
I can't believe nobody has done this before, but I can't find any other versions on the net so here goes:
Olivia Newton John and John Travolta dubbed with the far superior cover version of 'You're the One That I Want' performed by Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker.
EDIT: Have re-encoded the video. It's now lower quality, but the lipsync is much better and there are play controls. Click on the little 'play' triangle to start, obviously.
Why haven't I put this on Youtube? Because it would be pulled by lawyers in about 25 seconds, apparently.
Also: I finally decided to put some photos up on Flickr, which can be accessed here. The descriptions feature 97% more poetry than most!
Olivia Newton John and John Travolta dubbed with the far superior cover version of 'You're the One That I Want' performed by Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker.
EDIT: Have re-encoded the video. It's now lower quality, but the lipsync is much better and there are play controls. Click on the little 'play' triangle to start, obviously.
Why haven't I put this on Youtube? Because it would be pulled by lawyers in about 25 seconds, apparently.
Also: I finally decided to put some photos up on Flickr, which can be accessed here. The descriptions feature 97% more poetry than most!
Labels: Edit / Dub, Photo, Video
30 April 2007
Yes, I now have worms
Oop, forgot to post my latest review for Gizmodo. It's an exciting plastic rack that almost lets you make crisps in your microwave!
In other news: Trailer Club 70 has had it's video quality updated, which is nice. Although the site seems to be down at the time I'm typing this, which is much less nice.
The Secret Life of Skeletor has been featured on the homepage at Dailymotion, which was a pleasant surprise. In fact, I'm going to post their hosted version of the video below because it's much higher quality than Youtube.
The Secret Life of Skeletor
Uploaded by doctorashen
In other news: Trailer Club 70 has had it's video quality updated, which is nice. Although the site seems to be down at the time I'm typing this, which is much less nice.
The Secret Life of Skeletor has been featured on the homepage at Dailymotion, which was a pleasant surprise. In fact, I'm going to post their hosted version of the video below because it's much higher quality than Youtube.
The Secret Life of Skeletor
Uploaded by doctorashen
Labels: Gizmodo, Review, Site news, Video
24 April 2007
So whose side was Zordak on anyway?
It's an all-new thing!
In other news -Trailer Club 70 will be undergoing an upgrade in the next couple of days which will greatly improve the video quality of the trailers on offer. Smashing!
In other news -Trailer Club 70 will be undergoing an upgrade in the next couple of days which will greatly improve the video quality of the trailers on offer. Smashing!
Labels: Edit / Dub, Parody, Video
01 April 2007
Come join the club, the Trailer Club
Using my brain and hands, I've made a new website!
It's dedicated to trailers of really strange films from the seventies. And sixties. And sometimes the early eighties.
Also: An upgrade at Blogger has fudged up the website design. I'm on it.
It's dedicated to trailers of really strange films from the seventies. And sixties. And sometimes the early eighties.
Also: An upgrade at Blogger has fudged up the website design. I'm on it.
Labels: Article, Site news, Video
19 March 2007
The oven is on fire
I didn't make this, but I felt the need to post it somewhere. It is an exploration of genuine fear at a traumatic event, followed by the ultimate outcome of the trauma...
Oh, all right, I was lying. It was just that the shrieking and voice at the end made me laugh.
Oh, all right, I was lying. It was just that the shrieking and voice at the end made me laugh.
Labels: Video
15 February 2007
Behold the power of FIFTY GAMES.
Another review in conjunction with Gizmodo, the website that everyone thinks has an "n" in it's name!
This review has earned me many "Diggs" as the thing below shows. Hopefully they can be exchanged for goods, much like the Green Shield Stamps of old.
This review has earned me many "Diggs" as the thing below shows. Hopefully they can be exchanged for goods, much like the Green Shield Stamps of old.
Labels: Gizmodo, Review, Video
13 February 2007
Splash Wave
Look out, kids - it's a review of more horrible electronic tat. It's physically huge, a bright colour, and makes horrible screeching noises. Pretty much like everything from 1989, in fact.
Now to dispose of the damn thing...
Now to dispose of the damn thing...
15 January 2007
Tufty the Squirrel is very naughty.
"What's the time, Mister Wolf?"
"It's new video thing time. Grrrr!"
Warning: Not suitable for work. Or pretty much anywhere else, due to STRONG NAUGHTY CONTENT.
I've been waiting ages to get all five Tufty public information films in high quality so I could make something like this. Turns out they weren't high quality enough for what I had in mind and some scenes suffer as a result. But hey, at least it's extremely rude!
"It's new video thing time. Grrrr!"
Warning: Not suitable for work. Or pretty much anywhere else, due to STRONG NAUGHTY CONTENT.
I've been waiting ages to get all five Tufty public information films in high quality so I could make something like this. Turns out they weren't high quality enough for what I had in mind and some scenes suffer as a result. But hey, at least it's extremely rude!
Labels: Edit / Dub, Parody, Video
11 January 2007
Look at what I forgot to do!
I've just realised that I never actually posted a link to the laser pointer review I did months ago for Gizmodo. COMMENCE RECTIFICATION:
Coming soon - A review of a 50-in-1 games thing for Gizmodo. And lots of worthless stuff for no reason whatsoever, of course!
Coming soon - A review of a 50-in-1 games thing for Gizmodo. And lots of worthless stuff for no reason whatsoever, of course!
Labels: Gizmodo, Review, Video
16 December 2006
"If you work in marketing, kill yourself."
Did you see the appalling fake fansite that Sony had put together to sell their PSP thingy? It's been removed now after a backlash of hatred from about 73% of the Earth's population, but a handy copy is kept here with the offending videos backed up here and here.
The marketing company responsible is called "Zipatoni", and they appear to specialise in devaluing society by posing as fans of the companies they work for. Can anyone think of a more soulless, dehumanising and viciously amoral way to sell crap? If so, there's a job in marketing just waiting for you!
But worst of all, they refer to themselves as "Brand Evangelists" on their site. Just reading that phrase makes me die a little inside. I sincerely hope that everyone at Zipatoni dies screaming in agony, as their children look on laughing.
Anyway, I managed to snag the UK version of their domain, and threw together a parody site. Here it is: www.alliwantforxmasisapsp.co.uk
Be the first to see it, before all the identikit gaming news sites link to it and fail to understand the obvious joke!
The marketing company responsible is called "Zipatoni", and they appear to specialise in devaluing society by posing as fans of the companies they work for. Can anyone think of a more soulless, dehumanising and viciously amoral way to sell crap? If so, there's a job in marketing just waiting for you!
But worst of all, they refer to themselves as "Brand Evangelists" on their site. Just reading that phrase makes me die a little inside. I sincerely hope that everyone at Zipatoni dies screaming in agony, as their children look on laughing.
Anyway, I managed to snag the UK version of their domain, and threw together a parody site. Here it is: www.alliwantforxmasisapsp.co.uk
Be the first to see it, before all the identikit gaming news sites link to it and fail to understand the obvious joke!
24 October 2006
Show Ryu, Ken!
Hello. How are you? Really? Oh dear... Never mind, keep using the ointment.
Here's a review of some silly toys:
Tedious technical site news:
All movies have been updated and now work with Flash Player 9. SPLENDID.
In an effort to alleviate page refresh problems and improve the stability of the YouTube links, the local address has changed to a different domain. The good news is it shouldn't affect anything much (except perhaps old links to the Cabrinator article). www.ashens.com will now redirect to the dancingyak url. LESS SPLENDID BUT STILL QUITE GOOD I SUPPOSE.
Here's a review of some silly toys:
Tedious technical site news:
All movies have been updated and now work with Flash Player 9. SPLENDID.
In an effort to alleviate page refresh problems and improve the stability of the YouTube links, the local address has changed to a different domain. The good news is it shouldn't affect anything much (except perhaps old links to the Cabrinator article). www.ashens.com will now redirect to the dancingyak url. LESS SPLENDID BUT STILL QUITE GOOD I SUPPOSE.
13 October 2006
An Important Message for all Gentlefolk
24 August 2006
12 Muinutes of Ennui
Bad news everyone - I've produced another video review. This one somehow stretches to 12 minutes, and covers a "Digital MP4 Player". Which is a chinese-built device for playing video in incredibly low quality. This one's split into two parts, just like Kill Bill!
If you managed to sit through all that, award yourself 20 Ashen points. Save up 250 points and you can have the Science Fiction author of your choice professionally murdered!*
(*Offer not valid in Ireland. Terry Pratchett costs an extra 25 points as his hat is bulletproof.)
If you managed to sit through all that, award yourself 20 Ashen points. Save up 250 points and you can have the Science Fiction author of your choice professionally murdered!*
(*Offer not valid in Ireland. Terry Pratchett costs an extra 25 points as his hat is bulletproof.)
11 August 2006
Please, stay on the line
Here's something I made the other morning to amuse my nephew:
I'm now off to sulk because b3ta bizarrely referred to me as "Dancing Yak" in their newsletter, and my girlfriend keeps taking the piss as a result. Bah.
I'm now off to sulk because b3ta bizarrely referred to me as "Dancing Yak" in their newsletter, and my girlfriend keeps taking the piss as a result. Bah.
Labels: Edit / Dub, Parody, Video
